Thankful But Anxious

Last week, I telephoned a career counselor whom I had seen a couple times in New York to set up a time to speak again. Having been floundering--I might even say foundering--in my career since college, I decided it was time to seek advice from a competent and, I hoped, objective professional. Mostly, I wanted help sorting out the various options I am presently considering for What To Do With the Rest of My Life--the question that nags at me persistently and almost constantly.

We had exchanged a couple of e-mails, and the counselor had asked me to call to discuss when we could have a fuller conversation. I suggested today, forgetting completely that it would be Thanksgiving in America. So far am I from life back home that Turkey Day had totally slipped my mind.

I do have a lot to be thankful for this year. I know this because, when I find myself anxious (which is fairly often), I try to think of things for which I grateful as a way of calming down. At the head of the list is having a job that gives me the appreciation of my students and, occasionally, the opportunity to learn interesting things myself. I am grateful to be in a far better situation than I was in Taiwan. And I am grateful for the insight that so many of my problems since graduation have been caused by needless fear and anxiety.

Nonetheless, there is still a lot to be anxious about. The current economic crisis has everyone anxious, and I am no exception. My job may not be as secure as I had hoped, not because of any failure on my part in the classroom--I actually got good marks on my first and so far only classroom observation--but because of the economic storm engulfing the world. Someone high up in my school's administration has told me not to worry, that during Russia's last crisis in the late 1990s, the school had kept every one of its teachers and simply divided the reduced teaching load amongst them. But having had so many things go belly-up or just fail to come together over the last few years, it's hard to avoid the thought that this too many not last.

There's also the matter of my graduate school admissions--though here I also have some cause for cheer. I have completed applications to two programs in Jewish education and am finally close to having an admissions interview at one of them, to which I sent my application before leaving home this spring. My chances of getting into this program are pretty good. But whether this is really the best field for me, I am less certain than I was in April.s

I had hoped that my time in Russia would enable me to sort out graduate programs and find a clear direction. So far, this has not happened. I have looked into Jewish education, teacher training programs, library science programs, and, more recently, master's programs in higher education. But I still feel unable to make up my mind--a major reason for my decision to seek the advice of a professional. My indecision has been due partly to my recurrent anxiety, partly to having to adjust to life in Russia, and partly to knowing that all of these options are major commitments.

But on the thankful side, I can at least be thankful that, unlike during my time in New York, I am not going head-on into something for which I am neither qualified nor suited, and that I have learned at least to seek out and even occasionally take the advice of people older and wiser--or at least wiser--than I. And I am blessed to have so many such people in my life.

To all of them, I say thank you, and wish a joyous and happy Thanksgiving.